Wednesday, September 28, 2011

"He's A Keeper!"

I remember as a teenager and as a young adult I would hear people refer to someone they thought was good for someone else as a 'keeper'. I always wondered what a 'keeper' looked like. Now, looking back I have figured this whole thing out by trial and mainly error!!! A 'keeper' is by lose definition someone that you would keep around because they are a good addition to your life. Not even just for looking for a date or a marriage partner, there are people that we allow in that are not 'keepers'. Maybe they are there just for a moment in your life to show you something deeper. Either way, letting go of people that are not 'keepers' can be easier said than done. I think that mentally we get hooked to the idea of the person being there for us for better or for worse whether they are good for us in better or worse. You know what I mean? So as I move forward God has showed me a 'Keeper'. He is my 'Keeper' and once He brings the earthly one in my life that my dad and mom also say "He's a keeper!" I will hold onto the fact that there is a way to know whether someone is a 'keeper' or not.

When God was wooing me back into His loving arms a song played on Klove radio. And the gist of this song is Ps 19:14, "Let the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be acceptable in thy sight o Lord, my strength and my redeemer." It talks about doing EVERYTHING to the glory of God, even what we consider the mundane (aghhh! like my job) haha And it was sticking with me that the part of me I was not sharing with God was not being able to be done to His glory. My meditations and the words of my mouth, I could not see as acceptable to my redeemer. So here I am... Lonely physically but yet not so lonely. I have a Keeper! And to spin the word differently now, He also KEEPS me. He does not just love me. He loves you. Whoever you are, where ever you have been. Whatever you have done and where you are RIGHT NOW. He loves you. He is a Keeper and He can show you who the 'keepers' in your life should be.

Monday, September 26, 2011

His affections for me are more pure than earthly affections

So much more are His affections for me. Oh how He loves me. It is what I hold onto with a death grip right now in my moments of despair. I am mourning so many losses in my life right now but such beautiful gains as well. Right now I must be like a tree planted by rivers of His waters. and as the storms weigh down, I know that my roots reach deep into the ground to not be blown down in this hurricane I am going through. My emotions are raw and I am bewildered by what some people define love is. How did I have such a loose definition of it myself in the past!!!??? Deluded. I had diluted the saving message and mercy of Christ. I am so glad He loves me even in my humanness. "Don't have time to maintain these regrets" me God with my thoughts and my grief weighs down so heavy sometimes and I just need to be held in your arms. Continue to show me this love. Your love.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Speak to Me

Today church was awesome, but then I enjoy The Bridge every Sunday! We have been hitting on the Love of God and how we love Him back. Of course this hits me in the time in my life when I have run to seek His face and I am falling more in love with Him daily. This is the song He gave me today. I will share more writings as well.

Speak to Me by Karin-Rochelle

Though the walls and rooms in my house
are empty
and the echo is all I hear
God, I know you are with me
You allow me to see clearly...

Speak to me-
in the storms of life
Speak to me-
in the calm of the night
Speak to me-
I count on your voice
to echo in my heart-
Speak to me...

Though the cuts are deep
and the wounds are ugly
Earthly lovers all pass away
The house echoes with my tears
yet, you push away my fears

So speak to me-
in the storms of this life
Speak to me-
in the calm each night
Speak to me-
I covet your voice
Please echo in my heart
Lord, Speak to me...

Here is another one:

Can't Run

I can't run away anymore
I hear you pounding at my heart's door
And there is nothing left for me here---
Empty rooms and echoing halls
I'm hollowed out as the tears fall
Tired of living in the world's lies
I can't run

Hear my cries
rescue me
romance my heart
here lies all of me...
now, dead to sin
new life begins
in you...

Lord hear my heart's cry
Save me from myself
Yes, I am the vine
You are the branches
I'm now engages in you
I cannot do things my own way
Only thing now I can say

Hear my cries
rescue me
romance my heart
here lies all of me...
now, dead to sin
new life begins
in you...

I cannot run anymore
I cannot run anymore
I cannot run anymore
I cannot run anymore

I hope that the words touch someone's heart. I do not believe that He gives them to me to hide in a book somewhere gathering dust. I believe if He lays something on the heart, it is because someone needs to hear it. I needed to hear it for sure.

Saturday, September 24, 2011

Guarded Hearts: Part 2

Have you ever listened to all the songs playing infinitely on the radio??? It's a co-dependent nightmare!!! Can you imagine how much love we would truly feel and act on if we felt the way we feel about certain people during 'puppy love' about the One who saved us? And example: "How do I live without you? I want to know. How do I breathe without you? I want to know...How could I ever, ever survive? How do I oh How do I oh how do I live?" How many times have I sang that song by Trisha Yearwood in the past and hoped beyond all hope that these words were meant for the person I was with? It saddens God when we depend on a human to help us breathe or give us a reason for living, when HE is the one that has made it possible for us to live.

I am working on this God-dependent thing which helps me guard my heart. The praise song like: You are my all in all is the stuff that makes up my new heart cry. Lord, help me to Guard my heart. Allow me to fall more in love with you. Help me to see how you complete me." In Your name, Amen

I wrote a few songs tonight. This is one of them:


In this world of confusion
where loves are lost and won
How many times has my heart been crush
and left as a lonely one?

(Chorus)Who can I find that knows my heart
that knows my mind like you do?
Who can I love that has my soul
sheltered from all storms?
And I'm not searching anymore, Lord
You're the one I've been looking for!

In these times: life is frail
and earthly loves all fade and fail
But, Lord, you've been here through it all
And here you are again- you catch me when I fall!

(chorus) And who can I find that knows my heart
that knows my mind like you do?
Who can I love that has my soul
sheltered from all storms?
Oh I'm not searching anymore, Lord
You're the one I've been looking for!

Ohhhh forever after is a long time after
even after I am gone
And forever I will be
forever in your loving arms...


Dear Lord, Let me see you as the reason that I live and the reason I live...Hillsong sings their own love song like this:

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Guarded Hearts: Part 1

Turns out there is reason or two or three that God has given for guarding our hearts. It is not so you don't have the ability to love. It is so you love people correctly.Wait? There is a wrong way to love? Yup... Explain when someone becomes so important to you that you become a sponge of only what pleases them or what pleased you when you are with them? What about putting that relationship above God? Some would argue that God was not talking about relationships when He said :Have no other gods before Me. But how else do you define a god, than an idol? Someone or something that you put above Him? And yet, if we were to follow the request to guard our heart, then how does one do it???

I am reading a book called, The Sacred Romance, How to Draw Closer to God. It shares different scriptural ways to help each lover of God guard their heart so they ca focus on the things in life that really matter. I'm game! I will be sharing as I learn...

We have been inundated by movies like Jerry McGuire with romantic notions like "you....complete me." Yeah. Cinderella...Aren't we all in search for "You are my happily ever after?" "You are my everything, I swear the only thing that matters matters to me..." "You're a million..."

In Proverbs 4 verse 23 says..."above all else; Guard your heart for it is the wellspring of life." Wow. The wellspring of life???? It must be pretty important then. Yet for some reason each of us in life experiences a heart trampled on, broken, torn a part, mistreated and misplaced. Imagine! This same heart of yours is COVETED by God. Your heart, my is our most prized possession or why put so much emphasis on it???

The moment a relationship takes the place of God, it becomes an idol. We are created by God in His image. We have an inner desire to be appreciated, desired, cared for accepted... But the problem is that we seek this acceptance and care from others that also desire to be appreciated, desired and cared for. So as it was explained to me so well today, "both of you are a sponge. what you lack, the other has and vice-verso. So when you receive what you lack from the other and that person from you, it seems like the puzzle is complete, except for the fact that you were not created to be filled this way. That puzzle piece is a lie. It takes the place of what God is able to do in you. So as you pull away you feel the damage, the hurt, the sorrow of loss." These feelings are because of an unguarded heart. I am not talking about a healthy marriage. I am talking about a co-dependent relationship of any kind where someone takes the place of God in your mind and life, even when you do not realize it has happened.

God says in Philippians 1:6 "Being confident of this very thing, that he which hath begun a good work in you will perform it until the day of Jesus Christ."

Ps. 138:8 "The LORD will perfect that which concerneth me: thy mercy, O LORD, endureth for ever: forsake not the works of thine own hands."

These verses and many others speak of the One who can perfect or complete me. It mentions nothing of earthly relationships doing what these songs and movies that we have incorporated into our everyday lives of mushy completion that give us this false thought process of a human being able to complete or finish something in us that God has already told us that HE IS THE COMPLETER.

I am on a new journey. I wish to share it with all who will desire a closeness with God that passes an earthly understanding. I am just starting to understand...maybe an 1/8 of an understanding...I will probably never get to the whole as we see through a clouded glass until heaven. I can't begin to comprehend the love of my Father in Heaven but...

The point to this blog: I am already complete. You (if you are a believer in Christ) are already complete. There is nothing to search for. God delights in His children. He delights in me. He delights in you. This life is full of people that desire that same completeness. What do we do with that knowledge? Who do we share THAT kind of love with? How many times will you give your heart away? If I guard my heart, I will be able to love as God created me to love.

I know this blog was long. Thank you for joining me on my hearts' journey. I hope it becomes your hearts' journey as well. :) With Love in Christ, Karin~Rochelle

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Open Doors: When God Says Yes!

Psalms 37 is an awesome chapter. Actually God has directed my attention many times this last few days to verse 5. "Commit your way to the Lord, trust in Him and He will act." This verse is all about ACTION. My action and THEN His. Many people, including myself first and foremost do this whole 'word vomit' thing(read previous article entitled 'Word Vomit') where we say we love God and we want Him to bless us continually. And yes His favor falls on the just and the unjust -as the Bible states-BUT His promises are there for His children. You know, the promises of never leave or forsake, or be with me in times of need, or take care of what I will eat or wear...those types of things are taken care of. But even MORE SO when you have done what this verse states:
1.) Commit my way to the Lord.
2.) Trust in Him

I saw God in ACTION TODAY! I was so excited. I know God wants me in Grace Bible College but I was kind of frustrated because I had been told that I was 'too old' for dorm life. It was alright. I like my space anyway. But any other option of renting my own place? ha! No. Financially I have already walked into enough messes. So, then after talking with the woman in charge of campus living, she emailed me a few ideas. I called the second one. I was so excited and so was she because NO ONE had contacted her regarding the opportunity of the housing that she was offering. WHY? I believe it is because GOD IS AWESOME! I Committed my way to the Lord, Trusted Him and He then ACTED on His PROMISE to provide for His child.

The song that keeps coming to mind is one that annoyed me the first time I heard it. I thought...ewwww it sounds like a kids song for Vacation Bible School! And so then God scolded my thought. "If you would have just followed with that child like faith before then a lot of stuff would be moot right now. Listen to the words. I'm talking to you." lol So...yeah. Nothing like being chastised by God but then it was so delightful to see his promises in action. Daily I see the provisions but this is one of those major doors that needed to be opened in order for me to get to that specific college.

So, without further ado... John Waller, YES He does not just sit back and watch us flail around. Once you commit your way to Him, He makes a way even when it seems there is NONE. Sometimes it is lonely with all the changes. But there is delight in seeing God working in me and around me. There are times when God says YES. I am taking Him at His Word.
I wrote this prayer last night before my answer of provision today came:
God, you say to commit my way to you and trust in you and you will act. All I am asking for is you to fulfill your promise to me. Then in another verse you say WAIT. Aghhhhhhhhhhh God, I don't want to wait. I live in a microwave world--- popcorn in under three minutes--- a movie from red box in an instant--- direct deposit --- instant mash potatoes and drive thru within two minutes once at the window (except for at Arby's ha!) But you want me to be still and WAIT? grrrr. Ok. But do I have to like it????
Then today happened. He loves me. He loved me yesterday when I was asking Him to pick me up and place me where He has told me many times that He wants me. It is relevant to my daily living this verse. And this song. The words are so basic SO BIBLE. I need that. Back to the basics ;) Back to my first love.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Real Love

Tonight I have seen more exposure of false love, false hope, false security, false pretenses, false reality all at one table spilling out of one mouth. I do not say all this to judge anyone. I just have NEVER paid attention to how other people speak of love, hope, security, and the reality in everyday life. It is so sad as one person states that he will 'get her if he wants her'. He gloats of his looks and his status in the military and how it is what it is and he will have what he wants. Certainly it saddens my heart to hear such gloating. But MORE it hurts my heart that ladies and girls WILL fall for his lies, his looks and be damaged by his hands and his words as he leaves each of them with less self respect. But whose fault is it really? How many times has a woman just sat back and enjoyed the flirting and the looks of admiration and delighted in the attention of a liar? I am not above it! I have been the receiver of this kind of attention. And I have in turn been left to feel empty when the party was over. Why do we do it? Why do we think that we are SO DESPERATE for attention that we would fall into this trap of the devil.
Okay, so here it is...In church a few weeks ago, the pastor told a story about TRUE LOVE; REAL LOVE.
A woman was so busy living on every man's attention based on how she dressed and how she felt when others paid attention to her. He asked he WHY she dressed that way. She stated that she enjoyed the attention. It made her feel loved, special, adored. Then is the great part. The pastor asks how much righteousness GOD has within Him. The woman, a believer in Christ, stated that God is ALL righteousness. SO the pastor says: On a scale of 100% being FULL/ALL righteousness and 0% being none, what percent of righteousness is God? She says...Well, 100%, of course!
The pastor then asks, so out of 100% righteousness, when God says He has imputed HIS righteousness into you when you became a child of His, what percentage did he impute? She says: ALL of it. Then, the best part of the whole story that changed how I look at myself: "If God has imputed 100% of His righteousness within you, how can you feel WORTHLESS? You can't get more righteous than 100%. No one's compliments and eyes of affection are going to top God's 100% correct?"
And this is what it comes down to...whether I was partially the blame for the date rape that happened to me or not, it made me feel like trash. I felt worthless. And because I did not tell the people that loved me and could have helped me through it, I lived in regret and blame. The only time I could feel appreciated was if I was being complimented or living for the next guy's attention.
What about now? After that story I realize that it does not change the 100% righteousness of God that was imputed into me when Christ saved me. I do not NEED approval of anyone to make me feel pretty, loved, appreciated, adored. God loves me more than any person on this earth could ever love me. Who in this world could impute 100% righteousness into YOU? Do you feel worthless even though you are a child of the King of all creation? I pray that you will see God as I see Him now: Savior, friend, fortress...We all need a savior. But no earthly person can BE OUR SAVIOR not a human that lifts us up in false admiration, giving us false hope...A Savior. Who is your Savior?

Thursday, September 15, 2011

I am Not Forsaken

Psalms 46 speaks of how the mountains can crumble to the sea and God is still forever. his steadfast love still works as life is crumbling and out of place. This is a song God gave me today after reading Psalms 46.

Not Forsaken

All the world may fall apart
and the mountains crumble to the sea
My heart may sigh within my chest
But I know He still knows
what is best for me.

He's my refuge in my time of trouble
My fortress while I'm in the rubble
And as I'm bound for the unknown
His grace it overthrows!
I shall not fear, I shall not fear!
I am not forsaken!

All the world may fall apart
The stars crash to the ground
and while I seek
for answers
God is found...

He's my refuge in my time of trouble
My fortress while I'm in the rubble
And as I'm bound for the unknown
His grace overthrows!
I shall not fear! I shall not fear!
I am not forsaken!

My help in times of trouble
My guide while I cannot see
Bound and determined with new hope
His love has captured and amazed me
I shall not fear! I shall not fear!
I am not forsaken!

*If you are going through life's struggles, no matter what you are or what you have done, God loves you and can bring you through. Just remember: "He never leaves nor forsakes us."
I can feel like I am drowning from all the stuff going on around me...OR I can see the castle in the middle of it all. My REFUGE, MY FORTRESS, MY GOD.
And sometimes in the middle of the just have to let go. This is what I am learning now...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sometimes the Storm Persists read that statement right. Sometimes the storm will keep on going. It does not mean that God has stopped loving me. It does not mean that He will not comfort in the middle of my trials. He is Holy, even if He does not rescue me. I put myself in a precarious situation. I have not denied that I have made a mess. And while I have prayed that God will help me to get out of it... Sometimes the answer is not the way I think it should be. I know that it will all work out. In the middle of this wreck of my life where I have dumped myself into a really large hole, I know that God sees me looking up. I know he sees my broken heart and my contrite spirit. And I really believe at this point, He wants me to praise Him even though I feel lost and helpless. I know I am not lost. I know I am in His hands. Sometimes He does not step in and 'save the day'. There are consequences when we do not do what He requests, when He requests. That does not prove Him unholy. It just proves me unworthy until His love covers me. He hears my cries. Like David, I have had to turn to Him after sinning against Him. His mercy covers my every stain. Now I wait on Him and in the waiting I will lift my hands and recognize HE IS THE I AM. I will praise Him in THIS storm.

Monday, September 12, 2011

All I Need

Aghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! Ok. Now that I have your attention, this is how I have felt today. I know what God's plan is but I am just so stretched in my faith. I seem to know better than God about timing. Ha! It won't happen in my time. So not only are the bills due and the amount of paycheck not enough to pay all the debt (again) then I find out that the idea for a dorm may fall through because people my age normally live off campus. Yeah my age. Yep, 12 years ago, this would not have been an issue. So I sent an email to the lady in charge of dorms for the women and asked if she had any other ideas based on my financial situation. Now I am WAITING again. It was the one thing I thought I had figured out. So, then I start listening to this song... So yeah, no matter what the answer is, God is all I need. He will do it. whatever IT is. I just have to "Wait on the Lord, be of good courage. Wait on the Lord."

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Asking for Forgiveness

Seems to be the habit in my life lately... *lol* It is not about an apology. Anyone can give a reason for their actions. I was selfish. That is my reason but more nitty-gritty is actually humbling yourself to ask someone to forgive you when you know you have hurt them.

Psalms 32:1 says "Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven: whose sin is covered"! I would like to take a moment and tell you what I am covered by... Psalms states in SO MANY CHAPTERS that I am covered by God's steadfast love. There are too many verses here to quote. Please take some time on your own and read of this love! It amazes me that with everything I have done in my past that God's steadfast love covers EVEN ME.

Psalms 26:2-3 "Prove me O Lord, test my heart and mind- For your steadfast love is before my eyes and I walk in your faithfulness." When you are hit smack in the face with what your sin has done to others as well as to yourself, that is when God can take you, a broken vessel, and breath new life. I have been remade in Jesus Christ. I am more than the problems that I have created in my past 12 years.

So, you have my apology. My reason for my past choices is the sin of selfishness. I desired my will instead of God's will in my life. I have already gone to my family and my parent's church and asked for forgiveness. It was wonderful to be welcomed with open arms. There are many people that know of my past choices and sin because FACEBOOK helps create a gossip train. For those that have known of my sin and prayed for me and my relationship with God, I thank you and ask you as well for forgiveness.

Finally, God showed me my testimonial verses which I am sure many have come to claim as their own. They are a powerhouse of God's STEADFAST LOVE.

Psalms 40:1-3 "He drew me out from the pit of destruction and out of the miry clay - Set my feet on a rock and He is now MAKING MY STEPS SECURE and put a new song in my mouth."

If you know me personally, you know that I have been singing in church off and on since I was a child. I was leading worship in my dad's church until I walked away from God, my family and my church home. I do not know everyone who has heard of my sin. But the Bible does say that "your sin will find you out". If you would like to pass this testimony of God's steadfast love and grace to another person who you think will benefit from it, then by all means share it with whoever you will. It is time that the truth is spoken about instead of my past transgressions.

Thank you for your continued prayer in my life and for hoping in Christ for my return.

Oh! Almost forgot! The song today is "You Are More" By Tenth Avenue North. It speaks of how we are more than the choices that we have made because of ALL THAT CHRIST IS AND DOES.

Friday, September 9, 2011

Don't Look Back

The Afters have a song called "Never Going Back To O.k." The song talks about how life the way it was was just OK. Now there is a new resolve within myself to not go back to how it was EVEN THOUGH there is pain and loneliness when I am thinking of the loss. There is hurt when you separate yourself from bad choices that use to make you feel good. No matter what there will be a time of mourning the loss of people that you care about. I won't lie. It feels like a knife is cutting a way at my heart sometimes. It is drastic surgery, but I believe it is a needed surgery of the heart and God is working daily. I talk to myself: Be strong in Him. All of the physical and emotional relationships that I have cultivated over the years that were not for His glory are not as important as God is in my life. I cannot go back to the way it was. There is a new day and it is today. All the choices I have made, whether they hurt at times or not.. I cannot see myself in yesterday. Those past relationships did not keep me grounded in Him and my choices were based on selfishness.

In selfishness I made many decisions that hurt so many people including my family. I cannot take it back. But I do not have to go back and cause others pain again. There is a man in the Bible names Jabez. While it does not mention a lot about him (in fact only 2 verses)The lesson in his life is very clear.1 Chronicles 4:9
And Jabez was more honorable than his brethren: and his mother called his name Jabez, saying, Because I bare him with sorrow.
10. And Jabez called on the God of Israel, saying, Oh that thou wouldst bless me indeed, and enlarge my coast, and that thine hand might be with me, and that thou wouldst keep me from evil, that it may not grieve me! And God granted him that which he requested

#1. He was more honorable than his brethren.
#2. He prayed that God would do several things for him
a.)that God would bless him
b.)that God would enlarge his territory (the people and places that he had influence on)
c.)that God would be with him
d.)God would keep him from evil
e.)that he would not cause pain
#3. God granted him these things.
It says in the first verse: Because he was more HONORABLE.

Thank you for your prayers and encouragement in following the Lord and His will in my life. I pray that I will be more honorable. I have not been honorable in my walk in the past and I'm never going back to OK.

Wednesday, September 7, 2011

100% complete in Christ means Co-dependancy just walks out the door.

So no matter what, I believe God is faithful. I have been through a whole lot in the last 12 years...All of my adult life... I have made decisions for myself. I made decisions that hurt others and myself over and over again. Now...Now I see God's will in my life prevailing and it is because I finally surrendered the CONTROL I believed was mine to give and receive and wield like a sword. It was my undoing..this control. Last evening I went to my first ever Celebrate Recovery meeting. I went because I was invited by a sister in Christ. I was so touched. I went thinking "OK we all have issues. I am sure I have at least one or two and I will learn how to deal with them." Uh huh. One or two. Nope. 4 or 5 is more the shakedown. I have some major heart issues that God is doing some surgery on right now. No wonder I have hit rock bottom while thinking I was doing what was best for Karin all these years. I had to control it. Not it... Everything since that date rape 12 years ago. And I am not condoning the choices I have made. I just see WHY I have reacted instead of letting GOD work in me. Granted, I have had many times when I have allowed Him access to my voice for praise and my hands for service and my words for prayer and supplications. But there is more to God than me SAYING He has control ALL THE TIME in EVERY CHOICE I MAKE. I have acted on my own so many times that it is no wonder I am where I am. But as I recognize this now and ask God for forgiveness and direction I KNOW that he will make a way in my brokenness for He works even now because He is faithful.
Neither one of my marriages had a chance. Because I was selfish and refused to let God work. I told Him what I wanted to work and how I knew it COULD work but I never gave the reigns over to my Lord. Now all I can do is know that God is all I need. His faithfulness, grace and loving kindness are what He calms me with. It is rough. The choice I made a few weeks ago to turn my relationship over to God and learn to be loved God's way instead of my own does not come without a price. Sometimes it is lonely. Heart wrenching. Honestly I have felt like a friend has died. That already happened in March (when I lost my friend Elaine to congestive heart failure). So It is a mourning experience all over again and I was just learning to live with that loss.
This is a longer blog than normal and if you are still reading, will you please pray for me to accept God's plan in my life. I know He has one. I know I have finally made the first steps in this newer life in Christ. I still believe in his faithfulness even with this sad broken heart and a spirit now humbled. No one can complete me as I have searched for. It is not fair for anyone to seek out someone else to fill a gap that only God has the power to fill. 100% complete already. Jesus did that for me. I have no need to be co-dependent and seek affections from anyone. God's love is bigger than that.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Never Be

There is a song that me and my dad use to sing in church. It talks of how there is never a heart so wounded that God cannot piece it together. There is never a sinner that God cannot forgive and douse with His love and grace. Seems like we make our own rules on if God will forgive one sin over another. I believe there is a sin unto death as the Scripture states. But I am glad I did not find it. Now another thought on this is that we have to die to sin daily. And I will not lie. This dying to self is a struggle.
A friend reminded me today that tears flow at night and joy comes in the morning. I am not dead. I have a new life in Christ. Sometimes I may feel like I am at my wits end but only because I get emotionally caught up in all my feelings. God is bigger than all of this.
It seems like God has been brought me full circle now. I have this soul desire to be used the right way for him. There is so much I have been involved with and of the world. After talking to my ex-husband, it has come to my attention that I need some more divine perspective and guidance...In all thy ways acknowledge HIM and HE will direct your paths... I need much directing. *LOL* Blessed is the man that walketh not in the counsel of the ungodly....but his delight is in the Law of the Lord... Yes, much direction. Aghhhh this is going to be an interesting ride. Who would like some prophetic art? (oh yes, it works because it is God focused and God driven not self seeking like the tarot cards that I have just made a commitment to give up.) I cannot find a scripture reference that says it is WRONG to read tarot. But I can find reference of God's direction in my life to follow a bigger plan that does not need these cards to be the focus. And therefore... I will acknowledge HIM not the cards and even more than I have been I will commit it to my Spirit. I know it is shocking for many of my readers to know that I have been involved in tarot cards but listen, I have been involved in many things that have taken me away from the heart of God and this blogging experience is to allow people to see how God can bring me back. I am a sinner that is redeemed by the same blood that redeems you. And I have come out of a lot. It was just a matter of time before God got that habit of mine too ;)
Oh listen to this song! It is so awesome!

Prayer in Time of Need

I found a scripture this morning that called out to my heart and I would ask that anyone that is reading this or 'following' my blog posts would pray this over my life right now. Ps. 32:7 "You are a hiding place for me. You preserve me from trouble; you surround me with SHOUTS of deliverance."
No one else has the power to get me where I need to be. I have made decisions that have put me here. But God does not want me here. I know where He wants me. He has told me of His heart's desire fro my life. I just want that now. In Jesus Name I pray God's deliverance, Jesus' blood and Holy Spirit's comfort as I go through these chances in my life...

Monday, September 5, 2011

In a moment of need

I was reading other blogs. I am not going to lie. I am lonely and I live in a town where all but one of my friends is also friends to my ex. So it is the holiday and I spent the beginning part of the day with my friend Brandon. Had a great time and he cooked wonderful bbq chicken for me. Then we hung out at Starbucks for a while. By 6 he had other plans so I decided after he went home I would just hang at Starbucks alone to do homework. Problem... The homework was a DISC test (personality assessment). Yeah. I dove in as I love assessment tests (ha!) and found out all my shortcomings. Oh don't get me stated what was right about me too but I was so focused on the shortcomings and I got really discouraged about who I am. Then of course I was bored out of my mind from not wanting to finish the homework assignment and was searching other blogs and found one that had this video. I am listening now on repeat. Finding more consolation in the fact that God loves me where I am and He will work through me. I really appreciate any and all support and prayers from those of you who read my blogs. You have no idea how much.

I'm in Better Hands

So many things are topsy-turvy, not knowing the where or the how and only knowing the WHY of my newest decisions. As I was listing off the so many ways I feel screwed financially my sister reminded me of the verse in Matthew that states: Matthew 6:25Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink; nor yet for your body, what ye shall put on. Is not the life more than meat, and the body than raiment?"
And then another that will solidify the thoughts: Luke 12:29
And seek not ye what ye shall eat, or what ye shall drink, neither be ye of doubtful mind. and if two times is not enough...Luke 12:22
And he said unto his disciples, Therefore I say unto you, Take no thought for your life, what ye shall eat; neither for the body, what ye shall put on.
So...hmmm I think God is saying that I should stop worrying about what HE CAN PROVIDE. He is a better provider than I am and I need to rely on Him. I am without a doubt better off than I was when I was making my decisions based on my own selfishness. I am in better hands now.

Saturday, September 3, 2011

A Right Kind of Craving

Chocolate is so yummy, the smell of brownies are enticing and sometimes we just know that all we need is some comfort food like my sister is making this evening...Curry over rice. YUMMY for my tummy! But that is not the type of craving I am talking about. I am talking about a soul craving. What is my heart's craving suppose to be? Just when we think we have it all figured out with life, God sweeps in and says something like, "Really? Who are you that tells the potter what to make with HIS clay?" and I sheepishly look down at a stone on the ground, stick my hands in my dirty jeans and kick at the dirt. "Ah, God, I thought I knew what I was doing this time too..." And God opens up His arms big enough to hold not just me in my ignorance or stupidity but the whole world and their messes too and say... "Just come as you are. Let me satisfy this longing in your heart. You don't need to fill it with the stuff of this world. Fill it with me. I long for you to be closer to me, one heart, one mind, one soul with you. An ultimate love relationship that puts all others to shame."

Here I am. So many years I have been trying to satiate a craving that only God could fill in the first place. And now "my heart longs for a touch from the Lord. To be welcomed into the arms of Him." This quote is from the song by Ray Watson. I would share a youtube video of it but it is not on the net :( You can find it on itunes ;)
A new hearts desire for my life. I fell asleep like a baby last night listening to it. Every time I woke up I would think of the words and what they truly mean to me.

There is a time in everyone's life I believe that they final get tired of searching and doing for themselves. They come to the point where they wonder if everything they have done is all there is to life or if they missed the moment that would have made a new shape to their reality.

As I crave new desires in my relationship with my First Love, my Abba Father, I also crave all the prayers that my friends and family have given. Lift them up to the Father. I believe He hears everyone. Including mine now. I also pray for you. That as you walk in the Light as He is in the Light, you will also have this right kind of craving.

Lord, my soul longs for you. Nothing else will do... All the ideas and the earthly love I have sought after are nothing compared to what you can give to me. I pray your will and way in my life FINALLY. Thank you for allowing another prodigal. Help me keep this right craving...

Friday, September 2, 2011

Rising Like the Sun...

Have you ever watched the sunrise? It is the most amazing beauty... A canvas different every time! God paints us these pictures for us and we aren't awake to see everyone. But even while some are sleeping, the sun is still doing it's thing. Somewhere it is rising. The song of my day (I heard it twice, yet again, once before work and once at my dinner time) "I will rise, out of these ashes, rise..." Here, have a listen...

I cannot keep from thinking about the changes that are happening in my life! I finally got the email today saying that I AM ENROLLED in Grace Bible College. This is what God asked me to do 12 years ago. What did I do? I put an earthly relationship over what He wanted and my time was past. Not because God took it from me, but because I gave it away...traded God's will for my own. While many times over the last 12 years I have questioned how I was going to get where I knew I should be for God, I did not focus on it. I pushed it aside. Maybe I just didn't figure God would take me back to that moment. I am not saying that I can get whatever blessings God had in store in that moment that I denied Him so many years ago...But I believe as I step into this great I rise out of these ashes that I have created in my life...well, ANYTHING is possible with God.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phil. 4:13

If you have said no to God in the past, He can still use what is left of you and make it the best of you! He is doing it with me right now. I just want to testify...not of my past sins but of the fact that God's grace and mercy allows us to Rise like the sun, even while others are still sleeping. What are you waiting for?!

Filling a Void

One of my friends stated that if more people would fill the void with God when they lost a loved one that there would be less anguish in their lives. Not to say the suffering and mourning would not be there, but that their help from God in being a comforter would make it easier on them in the time of need.

I lost a special friend to congestive heart failure in March. Elaine was so tender and kindhearted. When I had nothing, she gave what she could to help. She also gave me a huge Christmas gift last year (my book being self published). It is not those gifts that I miss. It is her attitude of caring. Just a 'how are you doing?' can make such a difference in the life of someone who is going through a difficult time. Not the "How are you doing? Hey great to see you! Let's catch up sometime..." As your walking away from the person.

I recently broke up with my lover of 2 1/2 years. That person was my lifeline for that time. A friend I went to when I needed a hug, someone to talk to, someone to listen. That relationship was always the center focus in my mind. God took second place.

When I acted on the call of God to separate myself from the relationship a big void was put in it's place. And emotional turmoil set camp in my heart and loneliness started to pick at my insides.

I have been reading Psalms since day one of the separation and I know if I had not been plugging into God's word and encouragement from Godly counsel, that the void would be bigger than it is.

A song that comes to mind for this situation is Toby Mac's, "I Was Made to Love You". It talks about how our purpose in life is to love God. And in loving God, I believe we focus on the right love of others.

Yet again, I must say, I am not downplaying love of the marrying kind. I am downing love of a selfish kind. If the relationship is founded and grounded in God then move where God wants with it. Just remember, if it is right, then GOD'S love will shine through in that relationship to because what we are made to do is love Him.

Dear Lord, as I learn to trust you more, as I learn to love as you love, I know you will fill the emotional void that is in my life right now with a song ever flowing from your heart to my mind. Amen.

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Everything is About to Change

A lot has been going on in my life. In the last few days I have had some pretty heavy emotions that I have had to lay at the alter. This morning I felt like nothing would ever turn out right. I received an email from a family friend reminding me of how she prays for me. When I headed to work I just kept thinking how stuck my situation is and how frustrating it is...then right before a song came on Klove radio, the statement "He picks us up and lifts us out of the valley". Right before I walked into work with a heavy heart the newest son from Mercy Me played.
Then I went into work with a more cheerful heart. :) When I came out from work tonight there was a song that just started... *lol* The same one I started my workday with. I believe God is telling me something is about to change and there's gunna be brighter days.