Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"She's With Me"

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that being married or falling in love is a bad thing. I am just saying, as a 33 year old divorced woman of two marriages, when Christ is not the head of your self in the relationship then He cannot work much to keep it going. I have recently talked to one of my ex's and found that he is learning more of Christ's love and will for His life. I was a stumbling block in the end of our relationship. I have asked for his forgiveness. I am so grateful that He is back on God's narrow path again. Sometimes we have to do a U turn. ;)

"This thing called love..." Well, I have proven that I just cannot handle it on my own. I have made some pretty dumb decisions. If my life were a football game, well I would have gotten several touchdowns for the wrong team. When we make poor decisions it means something is wrong with our comunica-jesus meter.

Someone mentioned a specific word in my class last night. Discernment. Yup that is right. It is like a four letter word to many. It has always been time to have discernment. The problem is that you cannot discern correctly if you feed your sinful nature instead of your forgiven soul. When a relationship of any kind does not focus on God there will not be a good decision made.

When my first marriage was going south and I had no more trust to give, I gave up. And then jumped into a new relationship with a friend. After that marriage started going south I found myself in other bad situation where I thought that the feelings I had of love and sacrifice were more real than my past choices of love and attraction.

Now, I realize there is a habit that formed since my first negative sexual experience of date rape when I was 19... I have never cared enough for myself. I have felt neglected (not by my family-as they have loved and prayed for me daily) and not by God, because I have always seen his miracles. I just have not liked who I was. I felt dirty and lonely even in a crowded room of other people who cared about me. I cannot begin to explain that when someone feels unworthy of love they will do whatever they can not to feel that way. So it began at the age of 19 my struggle with finding love through sinful gratification.

I am only sharing that much for the sake of those who have been through this as well to understand that GOD'S LOVE is what has given me hope. His steadfast love has turned my mourning into dancing. My sorrow into joy. I have made some very bad choices while trying to find love in all the wrong ways. I have been many people's stumbling blocks.

My second ex husband has decided to go on a dating detox for his own reasons. I am also on what he would consider a dating detox. I am finding that the Love that God has imputed to me is His 100% righteousness. It covers all of my past feelings of dirtiness and unworthiness. After all, if a 100% righteous God douses you with Himself, how can you be unlovable!? It is not possible to be unlovable by a God who gave everything to have a personal relationship with you.

So as I have come to understand (it only took 13 years) God's Love is more wonderful than any one person can give me. I need a t-shirt that says "I'm with Him" and it has an arrow pointing up. Then he can have a t-shirt that says "She's with me." ;) Because the Lover of my soul that bought me years ago still picks me up of the ground, dusts me off and puts a beautiful robe of righteousness over me and if anyone asks who I am... He says, Don't worry about it, she's with me.

This is a new song by Jaimie Grace. 19 years old and very much in love with Christ. I am learning of this love...

A Bridge of Trust

So, tonight was awesome! Had a great few minute fellowship with an old friend. God's timing is so perfect. Seems like my devotional verses today were not meant for just me. I shared. So I will share again. Here it is in a nutshell.

Psalms 31:1&2 "In you, O LORD, do I take refuge;
let me never be put to shame;
in your righteousness deliver me! Incline your ear to me;
rescue me speedily! Be a rock of refuge for me,
a strong fortress to save me!"

My dad did a whole lesson plan of trusting God with this Bridge of trust diagram...Time for those basics in my life! *lol*

So, I realize it is not just me going through times of difficulty and I would like to just let others going through struggles of their own that GOD is a refuge. The best refuge you could ever hope to run to, because He is ABLE and desires to be the Love that you run to. I am so excited for all He is doing in my life. I am excited for all He is doing in other people's lives as well. There is a song I also must share. I wish I could say that God inspired ME to write it, but no, *lol* I am not the awesome writer of it. Fall Apart is sung by Josh Wilson. I love so many of his songs but this one speaks to the heart of me and where I am right now. I am sure others can make it their cry as well (just like the scripture shared above).

I pray your mercy, God, in my life. I thank you that I am finally coming to the end of me as my heartbreak brings me back to you...


Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Faith...Yes it is beyond human reason

This is where I am right now! I know that my first Love takes care of me. I have seen Him in action before. Miracles take place in the 11th hour. And yet, here I am again saying more to myself for reassurance that I KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is my deliver. Do I need one? Oh my, yes! I have so much on my plate right now. The moment I said YES to returning to my first love is the moment I seem to have dropped myself into a blender. The blades are so close. I have to trust that God knows best. Haha Father Knows Best...That is a really old show.

So, I found this pic and it seems to be exactly what God is calling me to. Give Him my worries, my fear, any left over indecision and just have a different frame of mind.

God, thank you for all you do for me. Thank you, ahead of time for your provisions. Thank you for the chance who have given me to change my life's direction.
Here's to another day!


Word Vomit; ie. Empty Promises

Let me just put out there right away, I do not intend to write pretty little words everyday for the sake of glorifying myself. I plan on speaking the truth, with the hope that someone who reads it will be turned away from their bad choices and moved to walk in the newness of Life through Christ. Most of the time honesty is harsh and I will not edit the fact that God has redeemed me from the wickedness of the world and I still struggle daily with my sin nature. On that note, I would like to write today about WORD VOMIT.

We have all spewed words of emptiness to someone else. Oh! We mean well, of that I am sure. "I will love you til my dying day!" "Nothing can every change my mind about the feelings I have for you!" "I can't see myself without you!" "You are everything I have ever needed!" "Why would I ever cheat on you!" I am not speaking about our earthly relationships, although it is funny how so many times we say these exact things to people we say we love.

In 33 years I have thought I was selfish with words like these. I have only shared them 3 times. And I have had 3 broken relationships. So, words are not everything unless they are backed by something. And that something cannot be GOOD INTENTIONS.

Sadly, my entire life I have been spewing empty promises, including to my Savior. All of those things we say to other people, mean nothing if we cannot follow through with them. In our sin nature, I do not believe anyone can follow through on a promise UNLESS God is the one guiding them. The moment sin nature takes control and someone stops dying to self, all they have to show for it is a bunch of empty WORD VOMIT.

I am realizing as I come back to my first Love, Jesus Christ, that all those promises I made to earthly lovers had no stick-to-tuity (my dad's clever word) because I was not fully grounded in the Love of Christ. Oh! Don't get me wrong, I sang His praises, and many times I was moved emotionally to make commitments to Him. Just as I was moved emotionally to make commitments to my past spouses.

Please read these words and then go study the verses for yourself that I share in the next paragraph. I am not writing this to be your Holy Spirit. I, above all, know that NO ONE can be your Holy Spirit. You will spew word vomit until you are blue in the face and stuck down a well deeper than you ever thought your sin could dig you until YOU allow the Holy Spirit to work His way in you. I am just here to plant a seed.

As several of my past pastors have said: what you FEEL is true and what God STATES is true are two different things at times (unless you are already focused on only God's truth. So two verses: The first is about WORD VOMIT.

Revelation 3:16
So then because thou art lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will spew thee out of my mouth.

This is talking about my life. I have been neither hot nor cold for many years now. One foot on the alter and the other in the world making decisions and promises that could not be kept because I was living a lukewarm fantasy. All of those promises I gave to my past relationships, while I meant them in my human feelings of the time, were not based on the True love of Christ because my HEART was not fully committed to my first Love. The one to teach about what Love really is, what it feels, how it behaves, how it doesn't lust or act in impatience...Wow. When I do not die to self daily, I cannot even begin to comprehend how God loves me. I am glad His grace and mercy are over me.

I could ramble for hours on this, but just go read it for yourself and ask God where if any place in your life are you trying to keep a part for YOU instead of giving it all to Him. Final verse of the day, I learned from my dad when I was a young teen. 2 Timothy 2:15
"Study to shew thyself approved unto God, a workman that needeth not to be ashamed, rightly dividing the word of truth."

Do not take what I say at face value! Go study it for yourself. I am human. I am of sinful nature. You should put NO ONE on a pedestal above God. Read, study this stuff for yourself always. You cannot rightly divide (or understand) the Word of God if you read someone else's words and then do not find out if they are grounded in the Truth of the Bible.

I pray God to work in my life and keep me from empty promises of this world that I may not cause pain to others anymore. I continually see His works and His love poured out on me and I am so grateful that He has taken me back as a prodigal son. "I am a child of the King. He loves me I know. And he never forsaketh His own. He will call me someday, to my home far away..." (an old song I just remembered from 5th grade)

Love in Christ, Karin

Monday, August 29, 2011

A Return to My First Love

Interesting that this is my first time being single in...oh my. *lol* 13 years! Yes, I have made a mockery of love and what I thought it was. As I read my ex-husband's blog, "Dating Detox" I realize that he is on to something very important. He may be shocked, but I must say, he has a great idea. Or actually, GOD does.

Recently, within the last few weeks, I have taken a new path...One I used to be on. To serve God use to be what I longed for. Then I strayed from my first Love. I am being as blunt as possible when I say that I am broken. I am the potter's clay in shards at His feet at the moment. But I KNOW my Lord forgives me of my past sins.

I have hurt many people in the last 13 years. My parents, my siblings, my ex's and now my best friend, all because of the most base of sins. Where it all began in the Garden of Eden...Selfishness.

Eve wanted what she should not have. She desired what God told her was not to be hers. She was selfish. Now I am not getting into who really was the one to bring sin into the world. I am just wanting to say that I realize my part in this sinful nature and I have taken what God told me not to. And now...well now I sit at the bottom of a well that I have landed in because of being unfaithful to my first Love.

Lately all of the scripture that I have been reading has been specific about God's steadfast love. It is so good to know that my First Love has not forgotten me, in fact, He has welcomed me back into His open arms and has showed me His love ten fold!

I can only pray that the stumbling block I have been in so many people's lives can be forgiven as I pray the Prayer of Jabez from now on in my life. I do not wish to cause pain to any. I am so happy to now come back to Jesus, broken relic that I am. I am His treasure and He loves me still with His steadfast Love.

Thank you for taking the time to read what is on my heart.