Wednesday, September 7, 2011
100% complete in Christ means Co-dependancy just walks out the door.
So no matter what, I believe God is faithful. I have been through a whole lot in the last 12 years...All of my adult life... I have made decisions for myself. I made decisions that hurt others and myself over and over again. Now...Now I see God's will in my life prevailing and it is because I finally surrendered the CONTROL I believed was mine to give and receive and wield like a sword. It was my undoing..this control. Last evening I went to my first ever Celebrate Recovery meeting. I went because I was invited by a sister in Christ. I was so moved...so touched. I went thinking "OK we all have issues. I am sure I have at least one or two and I will learn how to deal with them." Uh huh. One or two. Nope. 4 or 5 is more the shakedown. I have some major heart issues that God is doing some surgery on right now. No wonder I have hit rock bottom while thinking I was doing what was best for Karin all these years. I had to control it. Not it... Everything since that date rape 12 years ago. And I am not condoning the choices I have made. I just see WHY I have reacted instead of letting GOD work in me. Granted, I have had many times when I have allowed Him access to my voice for praise and my hands for service and my words for prayer and supplications. But there is more to God than me SAYING He has control ALL THE TIME in EVERY CHOICE I MAKE. I have acted on my own so many times that it is no wonder I am where I am. But as I recognize this now and ask God for forgiveness and direction I KNOW that he will make a way in my brokenness for He works even now because He is faithful.
Neither one of my marriages had a chance. Because I was selfish and refused to let God work. I told Him what I wanted to work and how I knew it COULD work but I never gave the reigns over to my Lord. Now all I can do is know that God is all I need. His faithfulness, grace and loving kindness are what He calms me with. It is rough. The choice I made a few weeks ago to turn my relationship over to God and learn to be loved God's way instead of my own does not come without a price. Sometimes it is lonely. Heart wrenching. Honestly I have felt like a friend has died. That already happened in March (when I lost my friend Elaine to congestive heart failure). So It is a mourning experience all over again and I was just learning to live with that loss.
This is a longer blog than normal and if you are still reading, will you please pray for me to accept God's plan in my life. I know He has one. I know I have finally made the first steps in this newer life in Christ. I still believe in his faithfulness even with this sad broken heart and a spirit now humbled. No one can complete me as I have searched for. It is not fair for anyone to seek out someone else to fill a gap that only God has the power to fill. 100% complete already. Jesus did that for me. I have no need to be co-dependent and seek affections from anyone. God's love is bigger than that.