Wednesday, August 31, 2011

"She's With Me"

Don't get me wrong, I am not saying that being married or falling in love is a bad thing. I am just saying, as a 33 year old divorced woman of two marriages, when Christ is not the head of your self in the relationship then He cannot work much to keep it going. I have recently talked to one of my ex's and found that he is learning more of Christ's love and will for His life. I was a stumbling block in the end of our relationship. I have asked for his forgiveness. I am so grateful that He is back on God's narrow path again. Sometimes we have to do a U turn. ;)

"This thing called love..." Well, I have proven that I just cannot handle it on my own. I have made some pretty dumb decisions. If my life were a football game, well I would have gotten several touchdowns for the wrong team. When we make poor decisions it means something is wrong with our comunica-jesus meter.

Someone mentioned a specific word in my class last night. Discernment. Yup that is right. It is like a four letter word to many. It has always been time to have discernment. The problem is that you cannot discern correctly if you feed your sinful nature instead of your forgiven soul. When a relationship of any kind does not focus on God there will not be a good decision made.

When my first marriage was going south and I had no more trust to give, I gave up. And then jumped into a new relationship with a friend. After that marriage started going south I found myself in other bad situation where I thought that the feelings I had of love and sacrifice were more real than my past choices of love and attraction.

Now, I realize there is a habit that formed since my first negative sexual experience of date rape when I was 19... I have never cared enough for myself. I have felt neglected (not by my family-as they have loved and prayed for me daily) and not by God, because I have always seen his miracles. I just have not liked who I was. I felt dirty and lonely even in a crowded room of other people who cared about me. I cannot begin to explain that when someone feels unworthy of love they will do whatever they can not to feel that way. So it began at the age of 19 my struggle with finding love through sinful gratification.

I am only sharing that much for the sake of those who have been through this as well to understand that GOD'S LOVE is what has given me hope. His steadfast love has turned my mourning into dancing. My sorrow into joy. I have made some very bad choices while trying to find love in all the wrong ways. I have been many people's stumbling blocks.

My second ex husband has decided to go on a dating detox for his own reasons. I am also on what he would consider a dating detox. I am finding that the Love that God has imputed to me is His 100% righteousness. It covers all of my past feelings of dirtiness and unworthiness. After all, if a 100% righteous God douses you with Himself, how can you be unlovable!? It is not possible to be unlovable by a God who gave everything to have a personal relationship with you.

So as I have come to understand (it only took 13 years) God's Love is more wonderful than any one person can give me. I need a t-shirt that says "I'm with Him" and it has an arrow pointing up. Then he can have a t-shirt that says "She's with me." ;) Because the Lover of my soul that bought me years ago still picks me up of the ground, dusts me off and puts a beautiful robe of righteousness over me and if anyone asks who I am... He says, Don't worry about it, she's with me.

This is a new song by Jaimie Grace. 19 years old and very much in love with Christ. I am learning of this love...

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